Post subject: Useful for all guys

[retorq]

retorq: Dont shave your ASS hair

It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: Either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted.

For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class.

Eventually, thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic [edit]-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky [edit]/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.

God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering [edit]/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own [edit] blowing right into my face, I had only one thought:

It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair Ventilation.

I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out he window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends- DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

dave: Thanks for the laughs, Q. Well written, with nice word choice, including appropriate metaphors, and vivid imagery. Intelligent choices were also made in editting, and how far to elevate the realism. Thank you for being so open, so brave, so willing to expose your foibles and idiosynchrisies to we, your loving fans. May you have the strength to endure your tribulations, and once again roam the halls with the promise of a dry crack, and an unfettered ability to pass the wind that so desires to be free.

Hey, why didn't you just trim it a little instead of shaving it all off? Persoanlly, I'm trying to grow my crack hair into an afro, so that I will have a soft surface to sit on wherever I am....

illuminatti: IMAGE ATTACHED

Ragnarock: LMAO

Nebel: Sweet Jesus.

Joe Turd: Wow. That could be the most horrible and frightening thing I have ever read. I dont know whether to laugh, cry, or throw away my razor.

gg torq.

Crush: You should get one of those japanese toilets that jet spray water up your ass, and then blow dry it.
Kinda like a car wash for your butt.

Rasta: I could have easily averted this tragedy!!
It's all my fault TorQ....I'm the blame here!
For you see....I too was afflicted with the same condition once,"Baboon-itus"and should have warned you..Although my reasons for the removal differ from your own....

Yeah...it was a long time ago when me and the then girlfriend got a little crazy with a bottle of Mezcal ,too much time and a pack of disposable razors....
ohhh, it was all fun and nice!...heh!... till the next day,when the squishy cheeks start!
Ya I feel for ya ...my only advice is for you to keep it well groomed. After it grows back you may want to keep it parted to the side,try a styling gel or a hair trainer... since braids are out of the question....

Sorry to let ya down like that...Gorilla ass

Actually, when i read that i was in tears lmao

Carnage: i did not bother reading it, and i really dont want to

Dave Turd: (__|__) <-- don't shave it, Carn

give it another ten years, Carn...some day, you'll have crack hair...

Pablo: I don't think Carn will ever have hair anywhere south of the neck...

Chaos: Nebel wrote:
Sweet Jesus.


well put....well put indeed.

Mortician: Sometimes Q can get carried away and I actually passed it by and just couldnt help flipping a U-B and heading back to read it. Damn good stuff Q, ya ever think of writting childrens books????

Sparky: stephen your an asscrack whore

[Jon]

Link: Link to Actual Thread

[funlovin]

This was incredibly clever and very funny I was cracking the fuck up Great job

[retorq]

God I forgot about this. Ahahahaha